WARNING! I speak only MY truths - and sometimes that involves swear words!
"The word 'fuck' is a form of meditation. The more you use it the more your throat Chakra clears." - Ella Hicks
I remember 20 years ago when I attended my first yoga class. It was when I was pregnant with my first child. I wanted to be the best mother I could be, and I listened to all of the advice that was thrown my way. Everyone said..."You should do prenatal yoga... It will help with the birth: the breathing, the focus, and meditation. It will help relieve the pain! You will be able to take control of the pain of childbirth... It will be such a beautiful experience." THEY FUCKING LIED! Child birth hurt like hell. I tried to remember all the things I learnt in prenatal yoga but I was too busy feeling all of the things and all of the stuff that was happening as I pushed out a 9.5 lbs, 23.5 inch long Being from my body.
Needless to say, I didn't go back to yoga for a while. I was busy with my new life! Who has the time to mediate or yoga when you are looking after tiny humans, partners and all of the things and all of the stuff that come with said "new" life....NOT ME.Although I was busy and preoccupied with my new life, time kept moving forward! Once again I found myself back in the yoga world about 5 years later when I was trying to "Keep up with the Jones".
I was running a successful business; raising 2 children and finding OH SO much Work/Life Balance, just like Oprah and all the other celebrity life coaches told me too. NOT!!!I found myself questioning everything! Here; I thought I was a part of this amazing network of Women, running successful business, raising their children, doing pilates and yoga; vacationing and cocktail partying with all the other successful business women in our community that were doing the same thing. But I wasn't doing any of that! I was hiding in my pantry drinking boxed wine & crying at 4:30 every day wondering WHY I couldn't do it all... Like them. Why was I having such a hard time finding this "Balance" that everyone kept spewing about? Why was I the only one struggling to keep it all together? Then a dear friend said to me... "You're NOT the only one; some people just hide it better then others!"
(OMG that was such a life changing moment for me. To this day those words have never left me.)
This time when I started practicing Yoga again it was different. I wanted to be dedicated. To work hard at creating a community for myself. I wanted something to take my mind off of the fact that so many of us are disconnected, and that I didn't seem to have any "struggling" women in my circle. So I decided; I would seek them out. I would find people who could relate to the fact that I couldn't calm my Monkey Brain AND do all of the things and all of the stuff!
That's when I found Bikram yoga. It was fast, it was intense and it was busy... The constant narrative gave me no time to think about anything other than what I was doing in that class. There was no time to build my grocery list or plan my family's meals or next business meeting. There was no time to worry about all the other mom business owners that seemed to have it all together. It was heavenly.
I was dedicated; for almost 5 years. I was in the best shape of my life, I was busy AND balanced. So I thought. But I guess what I failed to realize was that I went from avoiding my reality and my feelings in the pantry; to avoiding my reality and my feelings in the yoga studio. I was just so busy I had no time to think about the things that were real for me. I was just avoiding the things that were really in question, like my struggles with growth, the fear around being a good parent, the fear of failing in my business and in my personal life. So here I was 5 years into my Yoga journey to find authenticity and balance; and all I had done was fill that space with more "busy".... So I had solved my Monkey Brain by filling it with another narrative... Just not mine.
I quit doing yoga.
We ended up selling our house in the big city and moving out in the middle of nowhere! I needed time to heal myself... To get to know myself!
I struggled... I had epiphanies... I saw many ups and downs. I said goodbye to my business, I said hello to new friendships and I was diagnosed with severe spinal damage with early onset osteoarthritis. They were recommending spinal fusion... Life didn't seem to be getting any better. I missed busy Yoga and my pantry-it was much simpler. Now I had too much time and space to think.
My tumultuous relationship with Yoga started to seep back into my life... I was being told to "try yoga" to help with my spinal issues. "It can relieve pain, strengthen your core, it's good for your mindset. It's all connected."
Fuck! Here we go again! Okay Yoga...this is your last chance!
The studio I found myself at had all types of different teachers. It seemed there was yoga for all types of things. Strength, Relaxation, Meditation, Self Exploration, Your face, Your Voice, even Your Spine! Who knew!
My relationship with Yoga started to change almost immediately. I was certainly humbled because of my back issues. There was no place for my Ego... I couldn't move the way I used to, this was going to be different. This time I had to take things slow, I had to listen. That's right... listen to my mind, my body and my heart... I was quiet and I listened. I wasn't trying to be busy to avoid anything, I was trying to be quiet to listen to my pain tell me what I could or couldn't do. The pain in my back and the pain in my heart. I hurt physically, mentally & emotionally; and I couldn't run away into the busyness of life. I had to be still; slow moving; I had to feel all the feels. This was my new reality. This was my new Yoga! It SUCKED...but it actually worked! "Hello You, it's been a while!" And so the conversation with self began!
After a few years of this practice I found myself in front of a teacher who asked me "Are you interested in deepening your practice? I'm offering a teacher training in Bali, wanna join me?" I DO! I really DO. But I didn't even know what that meant. I wanted to know more... I wanted to go to Bali! I wanted to feel even more connected to myself, my feelings, my truths. I wanted more answers. BUT I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO BALI! Problem was; I wasn't interested in being a Yoga Teacher! I didn't see myself standing in front of a class in a studio and teaching people how to do a proper Downward Dog. This teacher reassured me that it wasn't about becoming a teacher for others, it was about becoming a teacher for myself, about building the relationship between more knowledge towards a way of life and myself... As a forever student learning those ways.
A year later I returned from Bali with my 200 HR YTT certification.
I am continuing to practice making Yoga a part of my life. Using the tools that I obtained & learnt about while in Bali along with the experience I've gained by choosing to listen! Yoga has never done what "they" originally told me it would do for me...
"the breathing, the focus and meditation... it will help relieve the pain! You will be able to TAKE control of the pain... It will be such a beautiful experience."
THEY FUCKING LIED! It didn't take away any of the pain not physically or emotionally! But what it did do... was teach me that if i sit in the pain and uncomfortableness and I listen; I'll figure some shit out!
I guess Yoga heard me when I said... "This is your last chance!"